In just a few months I will be fifty-five. I don't know why but it is really making me feel rather down. When I turned fifty I was all gung-ho, hey this isn't really old, I feel good, I still feel young. But suddenly the thought of turning fifty-five makes me feel old, sixty is looming on the horizon. YIKES.
I still feel good, I am active, healthy, busy with my hobbies, but I keep having the same thought over and over about turning fifty-five and feeling old.
Our household has all the signs of older adults living in it. A neat and tidy spare bedroom. Two other bedrooms turned into hobby rooms, as all children are grown up, married and raising their own families. Lots of house plants, lots of bird feeders, main hobbies for me, knitting and reading. Clean and organized closets and drawers. When did this happen?
I have had to back off of the daily running as I seem to have developed "runners knee", so instead do a daily four to five mile walk depending upon the time available to me. I am very predictable, I eat the same foods, take my vitamins and supplements daily, I go to bed by nine, get up by five, drink my coffee, drink my green tea, drink my water. I am a regular attender of Mass and find my faith life ever more important. I go to bed the dishes are washed, dried and put away, the trash taken out, the dog fed and watered, the cat fed, the living area left neat and tidy. I make our bed every morning and keep our room neat and tidy. The bathrooms are always clean. The laundry is always washed, dried, folded and put away the same day. I am super anal about lights being turned off. Bills are always paid promptly. Obviously it is much easier to run a household of two adults, rather than the chaos of raising a large family. But at times it depresses me to see so much organization, yet I find mess stressful, so I don't see that I will change my ways.
But back to my original thought, I feel really bummed out about my upcoming birthday, at times I just want to cry, how can I be this old? Where has the time gone? What have I done with my life? Youth is long gone. I feel as if I am invisible, just another older lady in the world, taking care of other people. And, don't get me wrong, I enjoy caring for my grandchildren, I enjoy caring for my husband, I enjoy caring for my adult children, I truly feel it is my calling, but is that it? Am I simply here on earth to tend to others? On days I feel really blue about this I simply keep telling myself, just keep on running girl, keep running, and this does seem to help. I see myself in my mind running away from, I don't really know what, just from the worries of getting older that keep snapping at my heels I guess.
At times I despair that there is not much to look forward to, only getting ever older and hoping that body, mind and soul hold together for as long as possible. This year has been hard, my father-in-law died in July, he suffered dementia, his brother died six months prior to him, my husbands aunt died a month after. My uncle died in April, my aunt is not doing so well, my husbands two aunts are in their eighties, one suffering health issues and severe dementia, the other battling breast cancer. Old age is not for the weak hearted. I am struggling with the passing away of the generation above my husband and me, it is hard to watch these once strong and vibrant people decline in old age and then die, and know that we too will reach this point eventually. And we are becoming the older generation :(
Perhaps I am a bit depressed, or maybe this is simply a normal way to feel at my age, I don't know. All I know is I could laugh in the face of turning fifty, but I feel that fifty-five is laughing in my face.
Peace by with you,