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Tuesday, October 11, 2016


11 weeks and 2 days ago our youngest daughter walked out of our life with her son, our grandson, and has chosen to have nothing to do with us since.

I cannot begin to tell you how devastating this has been, it weighs on me minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, week in, week out, every Sunday I wake up and think, it has now been X number of weeks since Emily exiled us, the pain is unbearable.

The entire family is carrying this burden of pain, my eight year old grandson asked me the other day, "Grandma when will you watch Masen again?", I couldn't really answer the question as I simply do not know if we will ever see Masen and Emily again.

This is something a lot of families have to attempt to cope with, and that is all you can really do. For 11 weeks and 2 days I have endured each day, that is not to say I haven't laughed, or had fun, or enjoyed my family, it is just that everything, in every moment of each day is overshadowed by a profound sadness of loss, of questioning, of trying to make sense, of wanting to understand, of praying for healing, for reunion, for all to be made right again. 

Some days are harder than others, as in today, today I feel that I can barely carry this burden of sadness, it is weighing me down, sinking me into the earth, I feel buried in overwhelming despair, I miss my Emily, I miss my little Masen, and the thought of never seeing them again is agonizing.

I try to not think about the situation, but it is not really possible. I try not to follow trains of thought as my imaginings torment me and leave me feeling very stressed and anxious.  I don't know what to do, there is no remedy, I can't even see my daughter to talk about what happened, to figure out what we need to do to move forward. I am scared that if she walks back into our life, will she walk out again, but there I am ahead of myself, because she shows no sign of ever wanting to walk back into our life.

My husband suffers as much as I do, this is a heart breaking situation, we try to hold each other up, not a day goes by that we don't speak of Emily and Masen, and wonder what they are doing, are they safe, are they okay. And each day we try to understand, and all we understand each day is that this is an absolutely hellish situation and we have lost our youngest child and our grandson, and we don't know if we will ever see them again.

I am asking for your prayers.



Lynda said...

Dearest Bean - I understand in part how you are feeling...not to the same degree as you, but I know those feelings of emptiness and how our thoughts wander and imagine all sorts of things. I know I try to keep busy so I don't think. Mine was only a friendship that walk out of my life (it seems at a similar time as your daughter walked out of yours) and I have been able to adjust to some degree, but when you least expect it that empty feeling pops back into your head and stomach. I think it must be similar grieving as when some-one dies...that is how it feels.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family...

Thankyou for sharing. xx

Michelle-ozark crafter said...

I felt almost the same thing when our mentally challenged neice whom called us mom and dad pushed us away. It still hurts after all these years. I pray your relationship will be restored my friend.

Anonymous said...

I will pray for the restoration of your family.
Please do not give up hope.
After six years of missing out on having a full relationship with my son and grandsons my prayers have been answered - I see my boys twice a week.
I'm now a proper grandma.
I pray that Father will bless you with your heart's desire as He has blessed me.

Bean said...

Thank you so much for your support and prayers, it is much appreciated and has given me hope and I do not feel so alone in all of this. Since I made this situation public I have had a fair number of people share similar stories and for the most part things eventually worked out, and that gives me hope. And, it gives me hope to know that so many are praying about the situation. Our Priest yesterday used the acronym P U S H, Pray Until Something Happens, and that is exactly what I will do.

Thank you again,


Pen Wilcock said...

May there be healing, and understanding, and peace. xx