Waiting for the Rain to Stop

I am ready to go out for a run, but it is raining, it is windy, and it is only in the mid forties outside, so I am waiting for the rain to stop before heading out.

I like rainy days, the house seems cozy and warm, I spent a good part of the morning reading Caravan by Dorothy Gilman, a book loaned to me by a fellow book club member. So far it is an enjoyable read.

Over the weekend I finished reading, Our Lady of the Lost and Found, a book by Diane Schoerperlen, I selected this book for our book club to read this month. I read Our Lady of the Lost and Found about ten years ago and recently had a hankering to read it again. I enjoyed the book the second time around as much as I enjoyed it the first time and I think it will provoke good discussion when our club meets again on November 4. The book is a mixture of fiction, a single middle aged woman author who has an unexpected house guest, Mary, arrive to stay for a week one April. But mainly the book is about Mary and the many times Our Lady has appeared to people throughout the ages. There are stories of saints, of miracles, and of sustaining faith. It is a thought provoking book, and interesting book, and well worth taking the time to read.

Last week I read a book by Fay Weldon, it was okay, a quick read, it really is a book done in the Downton Abbey style, meaning a soap opera set around 1900. It was really a quick read, none of the characters likable, and everyone of them simply used each other to their own advantage. The book is the first of three, I can't be bothered to read the next two, the first was more than enough.

I recently read about Martina Cole, a British crime/mystery writer, and how popular her books are, I borrowed a couple from the library, I read the introduction to one of the books and it caught my interest, so as soon as I have finished Caravan I will start Close.

I just recently read The Making of Henry by Howard Jacobsen, I enjoyed this book a lot, but it was a hard slog to read, parts of it were laugh out loud funny, other parts very sad, and some parts so inside the mind of Henry and his deepest thoughts that it was difficult to follow, yet the book was very satisfying, here is a link to a review of the book:

 https://www.theguardian.com/books/2004/may/23/fiction.features1


Here is a good quote, I just read it in Caravan earlier today, it is from Shakespeare:

"What fates impose, that men must needs abide; It boosts not to resist both wind and tide"

Basically roll with the punches, don't fight what life brings you just go with the flow. I think that is sound advice :)

Well, it appears the rain has stopped, so I am going to pop out and get my run done for the day.


Peace be with you,

Bean

Keeping busy

Lately I have used "keeping busy" to keep myself sane. I am struggling with my feelings, it is hard when an adult child walks out of your life, the loss never leaves. The best way to cope, for me, is to stay busy.

For the past three months I have read numerous books, I am glad that I am back into reading. I have made and completed three baby quilts, I made 10 shirts, one for each grandchild and one for my husband. I am knitting a cardigan for our newest grandchild who is due in a little over a month.

I am busy with my grandchildren, with yard work, with house work, with running, with long walks, watching television, reading, but still my mind keeps going over and over the loss in our life, the loss or our daughter and grandson. The good in all of this, the house is super organized, projects are completed in record time, books are getting read at a fast pace. But inside I feel hollowed out, anxious, sad, and continually battling negative thoughts, it is hard. And, I have found, it is very challenging to stay busy all of the time, sometimes you just have to be and have to deal with your thoughts and feelings.

In some ways I just want to retreat from the world, not have to deal with anything, just simply be, but fortunately life has a way of happening to us and things need to be taken care of, dinner needs to be cooked, laundry needs be washed, bills need to be paid, grandchildren need to be hugged, and all of these things and many others keep me moving through my days.

Will this ever get easier, I have to hope so, for now I find comfort in these words by Rainer Maria Rilke,

 



“Let everything happen to you
Beauty and terror
Just keep going
No feeling is final”

 

When I feel very sad, I simply repeat to myself, "No feeling is final", and this is very true, I know my mood will lift, sometimes within a few minutes, sometimes a few hours, sometimes a few days, but it does lift and I feel able to cope with all that life throws at me.

 

I find it very important to get enough sleep, feeling tired only makes feelings more extreme, and this is not a good thing. I find it important, now more than ever, to get out and exercise. A brisk walk, or run does wonders to lift the mood and clear the head. Sometimes as I run down the road I imagine all of the negativity simply flowing out of the back of my head and unfurling like a scroll of player piano music, leaving me, it is a very freeing feeling.

 

So busy I will stay, although for the most part I feel that I am simply going through the motions, but that is okay because it is helping me to manage, and right now that is all I can do.

 

Peace to you,

 

Bean

 

 



Estrangement

11 weeks and 2 days ago our youngest daughter walked out of our life with her son, our grandson, and has chosen to have nothing to do with us since.

I cannot begin to tell you how devastating this has been, it weighs on me minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, week in, week out, every Sunday I wake up and think, it has now been X number of weeks since Emily exiled us, the pain is unbearable.

The entire family is carrying this burden of pain, my eight year old grandson asked me the other day, "Grandma when will you watch Masen again?", I couldn't really answer the question as I simply do not know if we will ever see Masen and Emily again.

This is something a lot of families have to attempt to cope with, and that is all you can really do. For 11 weeks and 2 days I have endured each day, that is not to say I haven't laughed, or had fun, or enjoyed my family, it is just that everything, in every moment of each day is overshadowed by a profound sadness of loss, of questioning, of trying to make sense, of wanting to understand, of praying for healing, for reunion, for all to be made right again. 

Some days are harder than others, as in today, today I feel that I can barely carry this burden of sadness, it is weighing me down, sinking me into the earth, I feel buried in overwhelming despair, I miss my Emily, I miss my little Masen, and the thought of never seeing them again is agonizing.

I try to not think about the situation, but it is not really possible. I try not to follow trains of thought as my imaginings torment me and leave me feeling very stressed and anxious.  I don't know what to do, there is no remedy, I can't even see my daughter to talk about what happened, to figure out what we need to do to move forward. I am scared that if she walks back into our life, will she walk out again, but there I am ahead of myself, because she shows no sign of ever wanting to walk back into our life.

My husband suffers as much as I do, this is a heart breaking situation, we try to hold each other up, not a day goes by that we don't speak of Emily and Masen, and wonder what they are doing, are they safe, are they okay. And each day we try to understand, and all we understand each day is that this is an absolutely hellish situation and we have lost our youngest child and our grandson, and we don't know if we will ever see them again.

I am asking for your prayers.

Bean

Weight Loss - Before and After Pictures

The top picture, taken in August of 2014, is the picture that made me realize that I really, really, really had to do something about my weight, and it was shortly after it was taken that I started to get serious about taking care of my health. At my heaviest I weighed 240 pounds, and always felt that I only needed to lose twenty-five or so pounds to feel good. Well I lost twenty-five or so pounds and realized I still needed to lose to get to a healthy weight, then I was down fifty pounds and still was thirty pounds over the top ideal weight for my height. Then I lost seventy-five pounds, I was feeling much better, and had become very active, but still had weight to lose. By October of 2015, fourteen months after starting my journey to better health, I had lost 110 pounds, and have maintained that weight loss for the past five months. Maintenance is the longest part of the journey as it is a journey that has no end, it is a way of life! A good way of life, and one that keeps me disciplined in my eating and exercising habits.

There are no magic pills, secret tricks, special foods, fad diets, the way to lose weight is to not over eat, so track your calories every day, and add exercise to strengthen and tone your body. That is it, limit calories, add some exercise, and you will lose weight at a healthy pace, 1 - 2 lbs per week, and you will keep it off.  My Fitness Pal is a wonderful phone app to assist in tracking calories and exercise.

So here are my before and after pictures:

Taken in August of 2014 - heaviest weight 240 lbs, sedentary lifestyle

Taken in March of 2016 - ending weight - 130 lbs, active lifestyle

A Super Busy Week

Yesterday I needed a nap! I had a very busy week. Last Tuesday I left work a little early and drove across town to meet my sister Marika at her house. Marika and I then hopped into her Mini and headed up to Chicago to meet my sister Michelle who was in the US on business. We arrived in Chicago around five-thirty in the evening, hung out for a bit and then headed to dinner at Ralph Laurens. We had a good dinner together and then headed back to the hotel to hang out and visit. After breakfast the next morning Marika and I headed back home. It was a wonderful visit, we hadn't seen Michelle in nearly sixteen months, it was good to catch up.

From left to right, me, Marika, Michelle

On Thursday it was my birthday, after a full day at work we met all the kids and grand kids for dinner at our favorite Mexican restaurant, Kaysans, it was wonderful to have everyone there, our family now numbers seventeen, it was quite a party.

Our wonderful family

On Friday and Saturday I spend my time cleaning, and I mean deep cleaning, my house, boy did it need done. I am now enjoying a clean, and tidy house, and it is very satisfying. I had to clean as I was hosting book club on Saturday evening and grandson George's baptism party on Sunday.

Book club was Saturday evening, I served chicken tortilla soup and salad for dinner followed by coffee and cookies for dessert. We read Hocus Pocus by Kurt Vonnegut, the book spurred good discussion, it was hated by one person, loved by two of us, liked by one, and deemed okay by another. Next time Cyndi will host, we are now going to read, The Ocean At The End Of The Lane.

On Sunday we headed off to Mass, then immediately afterward baby George was baptized along with another baby boy. We returned home for a little celebration party, we had lasagna, salad, garlic bread and cake for dessert. It was good to celebrate together. But I was feeling tired, it seemed that the entire week of celebrations, get togethers, travel etc. had caught up with me. After everyone left yesterday I took a two hour nap! I rarely need a nap.

Me with grandson George

So here we are Monday morning, I am getting ready to go out for a run, then will head to the YMCA for some weight lifting, then on to work. Later I will meet my Mom and sister Marika, as Mom is in town this week for a few days.

Blessings to you,

Bean

A Post - Finally

I haven't posted since last July, how crazy is that? In December our eighth grand baby was born, little George arrived on December 18, he is the fifth child and fifth boy for my daughter Amber and son in law Brad. We now have six grandsons and two granddaughters. All these little ones are so special to us and we have them over all the time, it is noisy, chaotic, crazy, and an endless stream of snacks and drinks to provide and we love it!

I have continued on my weight loss journey and have maintained my weight for the past five months after losing 110 pounds. I started out at 240 pounds and now weigh 130. I am on the very low side of weight for my height, 5'10", but have lots of energy and am able to maintain. I had a body composition done at the YMCA and found out that my body fat percentage is 8.4%. I continue to exercise for an hour a day five to six times a week, usually running two days, walking two days, and doing the elliptical machine two days a week.  I joined the YMCA a while back, I have run and walked the indoor track a lot through the winter, and I use the elliptical machine and take advantage of the weight machines. I do yoga once or twice a week as the classes are fee as part of the YMCA membership. My diet remains healthy, and I continue to use My Fitness Pal app to track my food and exercise and will continue to do so for the foreseeable future. To maintain weight loss you have to be in control, and have a plan and remain vigilant. The weight loss is the first part of the journey in a life style change, the maintenance is the second part of the journey and it needs to last to your final day on this wonderful earth.

Last fall my friend and I resurrected book club, this month I am hosting, I chose the book Hocus Pocus by Kurt Vonnegut. I enjoyed the book, K V has such a dead pan delivery, he strips the emotion from everything and the facts just lay bare and this points out the idiocy and futility of so much that has happened in the world to cause death, destruction and misery. But his books are not depressing reads, they are quirky, darkly humorous, thought provoking, entertaining, well written, and I am slowly collecting more and more of his books and enjoying them to no end. So far I have read, Slaughter House Five, Cats Cradle, Hocus Pocus, and am now REALLY enjoying Breakfast of Champions, up next is Deadeye Dick.

I was listening to A Good Read on BBC Radio 4 last week and they talked about a book from the 1950's called Mr. Pye by Mervyn Peake, the panel discussed the story and it really appealed to me so I went to Amazon and ordered a copy, it cost one cent, then $3.99 for shipping. Four dollars seems a small price to pay for good entertainment.

Today is a running day, so I am now going to head out for an hour and get those good endorphins pumping and then head off to Mass.

Have a good day,

Bean

Long Walks

Yesterday a friend of mine and myself headed of to the Salamonie State Park to walk the 13 mile Bloodroot Trail. The park is about an hours drive south of Fort Wayne and pretty much in the middle of nowhere. As we headed off towards the interstate exit my gas light came on, no biggie, there will surely be a gas station on the exit. We headed onto the exit ramp and I looked at my phone to see  which way to go, turn right, so off we went, in doing this I failed to notice the gas station across the road on the left. We drove a few miles, then turned left, my phone told us to go 9 miles, a sign said Mt. Etna was in 8 miles, good surely there will be a gas station there.  No gas station. We drove another mile, then left for 2 miles, then left for half a mile and turning into a small parking lot to find we had arrived at our destination, it simply provided access to the trail. Yikes, we were now really low on gas and other than trees, a red tailed hawk and a wild turkey we seemed to be on our own. We decided to find a gas station so that we would not be worried about the situation during the hike. So out of the parking and back to the main road, across the main road to the park office, it was closed, then we saw the main park entrance so pulled up the entrance booth. A nice young man told us that a lot of the park was still flooded from the excessive rain that fell throughout June and early July, he said he would not charge us to enter the park, we asked him where the closest gas was located, he told us 9 miles away in Andrews and gave us directions. On gas fumes and prayer we headed off to Andrews, and I am pleased to report that we made it, filled up the van and headed back to the park.

It became apparent on our search for a bathroom that the park was badly flooded. We headed towards the Salamonie Reservoir, signs in the road warned that the road ended in the water, picnic tables were stacked up everywhere, the campground was closed, the beach was closed. Under part of Salamonie Reservoir there are the remains of a small town, a few years ago there was a drought and the water receded to the point that people could walk around the remains, it was a first since the reservoir was built in 1966. This year there is no chance of seeing the remains as the Reservoir is so full and flooded onto surrounding land.

After a little drive around the park we found the Interpretive Center building, it was closed, and just across from it we found the trail head for the Bloodroot Trail. Yea, we were finally starting our hike. Back packs on, hats on, a spray down with insect repellant, (the mosquitos are intense this year after all of the rain), and we were off. The trail was wet with dew and grass long, very quickly our feet were soaked, oh well, this is part of hiking. We came across wild blackberries and enjoyed several of the lovely ripe berries and on we went for about half a mile and that was it, the trail was flooded, and I don't mean just a bit flooded, there was simply a vast expanse of water and it was deep and seemed to be everywhere, so we turned around and headed back to the van. We removed our shoes and socks and place our socks on the dash board in the hopes they would dry out a bit in the sunshine on the way back to Fort Wayne.

Now we know how to get to the park, we know where the trail head is and we hope to return in September to hike the trail, we assume in six weeks time, barring any torrential, ongoing rainfall, the trail should be dried out. Plus I like hiking in September, less humidity, less mosquitos, brilliant sunshiny days, and summer is in its complete last hurrah, it is one of my most favorite months of the year.

My friend and I still wanted to hike, so headed back to Fort Wayne and on the way decided that we would walk the River Greenway Paths in Fort Wayne. I drove us to Sweeney Park and parked the van, we put our damp socks and shoes back on, donned our backpacks, headed to the bathroom and then hit the greenway trail. Good we were off on a walk and planned to take the path all the way to Johnny Appleseed Park, about six miles away. The Greenway was heavily flooded a few weeks ago, although the water has receded there is a lot of debris and mud left in some areas, we got rather muddy and slipped around a bit in the early part of the walk. A walking bridge over the river was barricaded, but we needed to cross so we climbed the barricade and went on our way. It was a great walk, there were many people enjoying the greenway on bike, but very few walkers. We changed our route slightly on the way back, still enjoying the greenway, but avoiding the very muddy areas we encountered early on along with the barricaded walking bridge. When we returned to the van my Map My Walk app said we had walked 11.84 miles in three hours and fifty two minutes, it was an enjoyable walk done at an easy pace with a friend for company. I hope to plan out a good long walk once per month, preferably at one of the state parks as the trails are a little more challenging with lots of hills and that up and down walking is a good work out.

If you have an opportunity to get out and hike, go for it.