Keeping busy

Lately I have used "keeping busy" to keep myself sane. I am struggling with my feelings, it is hard when an adult child walks out of your life, the loss never leaves. The best way to cope, for me, is to stay busy.

For the past three months I have read numerous books, I am glad that I am back into reading. I have made and completed three baby quilts, I made 10 shirts, one for each grandchild and one for my husband. I am knitting a cardigan for our newest grandchild who is due in a little over a month.

I am busy with my grandchildren, with yard work, with house work, with running, with long walks, watching television, reading, but still my mind keeps going over and over the loss in our life, the loss or our daughter and grandson. The good in all of this, the house is super organized, projects are completed in record time, books are getting read at a fast pace. But inside I feel hollowed out, anxious, sad, and continually battling negative thoughts, it is hard. And, I have found, it is very challenging to stay busy all of the time, sometimes you just have to be and have to deal with your thoughts and feelings.

In some ways I just want to retreat from the world, not have to deal with anything, just simply be, but fortunately life has a way of happening to us and things need to be taken care of, dinner needs to be cooked, laundry needs be washed, bills need to be paid, grandchildren need to be hugged, and all of these things and many others keep me moving through my days.

Will this ever get easier, I have to hope so, for now I find comfort in these words by Rainer Maria Rilke,

 



“Let everything happen to you
Beauty and terror
Just keep going
No feeling is final”

 

When I feel very sad, I simply repeat to myself, "No feeling is final", and this is very true, I know my mood will lift, sometimes within a few minutes, sometimes a few hours, sometimes a few days, but it does lift and I feel able to cope with all that life throws at me.

 

I find it very important to get enough sleep, feeling tired only makes feelings more extreme, and this is not a good thing. I find it important, now more than ever, to get out and exercise. A brisk walk, or run does wonders to lift the mood and clear the head. Sometimes as I run down the road I imagine all of the negativity simply flowing out of the back of my head and unfurling like a scroll of player piano music, leaving me, it is a very freeing feeling.

 

So busy I will stay, although for the most part I feel that I am simply going through the motions, but that is okay because it is helping me to manage, and right now that is all I can do.

 

Peace to you,

 

Bean