Waiting for the Rain to Stop

I am ready to go out for a run, but it is raining, it is windy, and it is only in the mid forties outside, so I am waiting for the rain to stop before heading out.

I like rainy days, the house seems cozy and warm, I spent a good part of the morning reading Caravan by Dorothy Gilman, a book loaned to me by a fellow book club member. So far it is an enjoyable read.

Over the weekend I finished reading, Our Lady of the Lost and Found, a book by Diane Schoerperlen, I selected this book for our book club to read this month. I read Our Lady of the Lost and Found about ten years ago and recently had a hankering to read it again. I enjoyed the book the second time around as much as I enjoyed it the first time and I think it will provoke good discussion when our club meets again on November 4. The book is a mixture of fiction, a single middle aged woman author who has an unexpected house guest, Mary, arrive to stay for a week one April. But mainly the book is about Mary and the many times Our Lady has appeared to people throughout the ages. There are stories of saints, of miracles, and of sustaining faith. It is a thought provoking book, and interesting book, and well worth taking the time to read.

Last week I read a book by Fay Weldon, it was okay, a quick read, it really is a book done in the Downton Abbey style, meaning a soap opera set around 1900. It was really a quick read, none of the characters likable, and everyone of them simply used each other to their own advantage. The book is the first of three, I can't be bothered to read the next two, the first was more than enough.

I recently read about Martina Cole, a British crime/mystery writer, and how popular her books are, I borrowed a couple from the library, I read the introduction to one of the books and it caught my interest, so as soon as I have finished Caravan I will start Close.

I just recently read The Making of Henry by Howard Jacobsen, I enjoyed this book a lot, but it was a hard slog to read, parts of it were laugh out loud funny, other parts very sad, and some parts so inside the mind of Henry and his deepest thoughts that it was difficult to follow, yet the book was very satisfying, here is a link to a review of the book:

 https://www.theguardian.com/books/2004/may/23/fiction.features1


Here is a good quote, I just read it in Caravan earlier today, it is from Shakespeare:

"What fates impose, that men must needs abide; It boosts not to resist both wind and tide"

Basically roll with the punches, don't fight what life brings you just go with the flow. I think that is sound advice :)

Well, it appears the rain has stopped, so I am going to pop out and get my run done for the day.


Peace be with you,

Bean

Keeping busy

Lately I have used "keeping busy" to keep myself sane. I am struggling with my feelings, it is hard when an adult child walks out of your life, the loss never leaves. The best way to cope, for me, is to stay busy.

For the past three months I have read numerous books, I am glad that I am back into reading. I have made and completed three baby quilts, I made 10 shirts, one for each grandchild and one for my husband. I am knitting a cardigan for our newest grandchild who is due in a little over a month.

I am busy with my grandchildren, with yard work, with house work, with running, with long walks, watching television, reading, but still my mind keeps going over and over the loss in our life, the loss or our daughter and grandson. The good in all of this, the house is super organized, projects are completed in record time, books are getting read at a fast pace. But inside I feel hollowed out, anxious, sad, and continually battling negative thoughts, it is hard. And, I have found, it is very challenging to stay busy all of the time, sometimes you just have to be and have to deal with your thoughts and feelings.

In some ways I just want to retreat from the world, not have to deal with anything, just simply be, but fortunately life has a way of happening to us and things need to be taken care of, dinner needs to be cooked, laundry needs be washed, bills need to be paid, grandchildren need to be hugged, and all of these things and many others keep me moving through my days.

Will this ever get easier, I have to hope so, for now I find comfort in these words by Rainer Maria Rilke,

 



“Let everything happen to you
Beauty and terror
Just keep going
No feeling is final”

 

When I feel very sad, I simply repeat to myself, "No feeling is final", and this is very true, I know my mood will lift, sometimes within a few minutes, sometimes a few hours, sometimes a few days, but it does lift and I feel able to cope with all that life throws at me.

 

I find it very important to get enough sleep, feeling tired only makes feelings more extreme, and this is not a good thing. I find it important, now more than ever, to get out and exercise. A brisk walk, or run does wonders to lift the mood and clear the head. Sometimes as I run down the road I imagine all of the negativity simply flowing out of the back of my head and unfurling like a scroll of player piano music, leaving me, it is a very freeing feeling.

 

So busy I will stay, although for the most part I feel that I am simply going through the motions, but that is okay because it is helping me to manage, and right now that is all I can do.

 

Peace to you,

 

Bean

 

 



Estrangement

11 weeks and 2 days ago our youngest daughter walked out of our life with her son, our grandson, and has chosen to have nothing to do with us since.

I cannot begin to tell you how devastating this has been, it weighs on me minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, week in, week out, every Sunday I wake up and think, it has now been X number of weeks since Emily exiled us, the pain is unbearable.

The entire family is carrying this burden of pain, my eight year old grandson asked me the other day, "Grandma when will you watch Masen again?", I couldn't really answer the question as I simply do not know if we will ever see Masen and Emily again.

This is something a lot of families have to attempt to cope with, and that is all you can really do. For 11 weeks and 2 days I have endured each day, that is not to say I haven't laughed, or had fun, or enjoyed my family, it is just that everything, in every moment of each day is overshadowed by a profound sadness of loss, of questioning, of trying to make sense, of wanting to understand, of praying for healing, for reunion, for all to be made right again. 

Some days are harder than others, as in today, today I feel that I can barely carry this burden of sadness, it is weighing me down, sinking me into the earth, I feel buried in overwhelming despair, I miss my Emily, I miss my little Masen, and the thought of never seeing them again is agonizing.

I try to not think about the situation, but it is not really possible. I try not to follow trains of thought as my imaginings torment me and leave me feeling very stressed and anxious.  I don't know what to do, there is no remedy, I can't even see my daughter to talk about what happened, to figure out what we need to do to move forward. I am scared that if she walks back into our life, will she walk out again, but there I am ahead of myself, because she shows no sign of ever wanting to walk back into our life.

My husband suffers as much as I do, this is a heart breaking situation, we try to hold each other up, not a day goes by that we don't speak of Emily and Masen, and wonder what they are doing, are they safe, are they okay. And each day we try to understand, and all we understand each day is that this is an absolutely hellish situation and we have lost our youngest child and our grandson, and we don't know if we will ever see them again.

I am asking for your prayers.

Bean